shalimar: (Pissed)
Dear World,

Hey. Guess what!! We are stuck on this damn island!! I swear if I knew fate had it out for me like this? I would not have suggested we crash that yacht party. We could have all been gambling in Vegas having an amazing time in something that the rest of the world calls AIR CONDITIONING. Instead we are traipsing around the jungle for hours on end tracking down a shuttle from outerspace. There are dead people just walking around having conversations with the guy that I met in Vegas and dragged along for the ride.

Did I mention how I could be in Vegas now? I could be doing all those sinful things in Sin City, but instead? Yep. Jungle.

Anyway, if I had a bottle I'd send this little baby off and no one would even have a clue where to look anyway. They'd get the bottle and pretty much scratch their head and wonder where exactly we are.

Tell you what, I'd love to know too. I'm sure there is some sort of interferance on this island too because my commring? The one that is supposed to work ALL over the FREAKING planet?? Doesn't work here. That's a tiny bit more frustrating than the lack of air conditioning.

Anyway world, just had to tell someone how crappy this is. Because I'm not about to start dragging down the morale of everyone around me just because I feel that this situation is insane.

shalimar: (Feral HOTNESS)
It's more than a physical attraction, there's an undeniable amount of chemistry. Those small details that only you notice, the way they don't just look at you, they look into you. When they do look at you, that way? You feel it. Undeniable attraction, or heat whatever you want to call it there's no escaping that feeling. It'll start in your head fogging your vision, making things a bit more complicated than you thought it could be. Those small details, the ones only you notice start to be the only thing you can think about. The vision that you have, all foggy and unclear suddenly is only focused on those details. The color of their eyes, the curve of their mouth. The slight breath they take before their lips meet yours.

The details, small and insignificant on their own become everything to you, and that notion will travel from your head to your stomach. Deep and heavy that sensation will burn through you. It'll become like a hunger that you'll never quell. The need for survival, never based on this before will suddenly become only this- this feeling.

Realizing that it will never fufill you, that you'll always crave it- that desire and lust, you'll let it move lower. You'll figure that it won't last forever, but it'll last just long enough for right now. The release you'll want, crave, desire, demand will be just a simple way of trying to make the need stop. To let go of it, but instead it will eat you alive. Swallow you whole, and never look back.

That release you thought would free you, instead captures you and makes it so that you'll never be free again. You'll hunt for it, stalk your prey and realize that the small details that used to fill your thoughts are never small details at all, the smallest detail is the word itself.

shalimar: (Side Eyebrow/Smirk)
Country music.

I don't understand it nor will I ever not physically feel like I am about to retch at the twangy sound of someone singing about how they found out they aren't going to die so they're trying to make do with their new outlook on life. I'll admit I've had to listen to it a few times. Adam being the connoisseur of music that he is sometimes tinkers with the XM and sticks me with someone wailing on about hoping they dance, or live, or get buried in some cemetary. There's songs about getting cancer, and losing your car, and driving recklessly just because you have faith in a higher power. Songs about why they sing country music and how they convert fans over to their side. There are songs about losing a baby, or finding your mother, or there is even one that ends with truckers lined up outside a little boys house willing to give him a ride in their trucks.

It unnerves me.

Not only that? It makes me wonder who actually wants to listen to that kind of depressing music while they work out? Adam has to know that I put the radio on while I run, and yet he does it like clockwork every other Tuesday. This is why I have my iPod, now if Emma would stop borrowing it? I wouldn't have to let it charge on Tuesdays and stick me with country.

You know I'd almost think she does it on purpose.
shalimar: (Feral HOTNESS)
If I could do something and have no consequences to it? I'd kill Mason Eckhart. Flat out, just walk up to him and shoot him point blank range. I know it's pretty drastic, but I would. All that he's done to those that I care about? Hell even to those that I don't even know? A man like that doesn't deserve life at all.

Now he does deserve to suffer, but see I'm being a bit courteous and just ending his life quickly. I could put him through the same torments that he puts other mutants through, or I could even just leave him somewhere to rot. I mean if I can get away with it why not right? Sure I could go rob a bank and set myself up for life, or I could go find some random guy and have an interesting night, but that seems selfish to me. Killing Mason would do the world a favor.

Adam will disagree with me, and I think even deep down I disagree with myself, but just the thought of a world without him looming over my shoulder? It's a nice break.
shalimar: (Sorrow)
His name was Richard Saunders. It was an instant connection when I saw him. There was no mistaking exactly who or what he was to me. He seemed to just fit. Trust me I wasn't going around thinking that I was the only one of my kind, I had found other Ferals before, but Richard - it was different with him. It was love at first sight, which for me to even admit to is almost as insane as the notion that it exists.

Things got complicated though, and I know you are saying that's just how life is. Life's complicated, and love is the top of the list. The thing is that being a Mutant is who I am. It's not exactly how I define myself, but it is a pretty big part of the package that is me. Richard had found a cure though. He had a connection to someone and thought that there was something wrong with him. That if he could just get rid of that extra part of him that life could be even more amazing. He wanted that life with me too, and I made the choice to let him heal me too. I took my first dose of the cure when he took his final one. I thought I would feel different somehow, but instead I was blinded by the love we shared together.

I woke up in the morning to what was supposed to be the beginning of our lives together and found him suffering. I did what I knew I had to do, even if it was against his own wishes. I called for help, and tried to do anything I could to save this man that I was willing to give it all up for. The cure, if you can even call it that just started to break down his genetic structure. I tried to help, but there was nothing I could do but say goodbye.

He took those last moments he had with me and saved me too. Told Adam to use his bone marrow to help save me. I thought I had known pain before. That being shot at, or electrocuted or any of the countless things that Mason and Genomex had done to me, but pain? Was nothing compared to this.

Creating a cure for me put stress on his own body, and made what time he had left even shorter. He took away those moments with me to ensure I would have more time. I sat there at his side crying while he faded away. Physical pain has limits, but the raw emotion is what really hurts.
shalimar: (Default)
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shalimar: (Default)
Bad habits... Aside from the fact that I really don't like to admit I'm wrong? I can't think of any. Okay to a fault I can be a bit overconfident, but really that's not so much a habit as a flaw. Let's think about it though really, a habit that I have could be that I can't seem to break? Should I take a poll maybe? I mean Emma might know something really annoying that I do.

Maybe I grind my teeth at night? Though I never heard a complaint. I don't smoke, or drink in excess, so those normal vices tend to not fit the bill. The sex thing? Yeah that'd be really nice to have as a nasty habit, but when your bedroom is in a highly secured facility that really you can't just have people doing the walk of shame in the morning? Tends to cut down on the social activity so to speak.

So let's really go deeper. None of this surface stuff because that's what everyone has. Those ticks and nervous things that really everyone tells you are bad for you, but you do them anyway. Like Jesse and his coffee addiction, and Brennan and being annoying. Emma well Emma is sometimes just a bit too optimistic, but again? Flaw not habit.

Habit is something you do everytime, like a compulsion and the only compulsions I can think of? Is that whenever I see Mason Eckart? I want to stab him. Repeatedly.

Really? That's not a habit I want to break.
shalimar: (Default)
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shalimar: (Default)
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shalimar: (with Emma [names])
Family can mean a lot of things to a lot of people. To me? It's a word. My own father turned against me and really I suppose I can't fault him for it. Things had been changing and there isn't much you can do when something so dramatic happens to your daughter. Still I would have thought that a word like family would have gone beyond those superficial things. I guess that is where I was wrong. It hurt more back then though. I have grown a lot since that day and I know that I am better off without whatever family that was to me. Blood and genetic material has little to do with that term if you ask me.

I think the definition to that word changed for me a lot recently. Family should be the ones that are there for you when it feels like no one else can back you up. Family is the people you go to when you have something amazing to share with them. Call it sappy or nostalgic, but it's the truth.

Sanctuary is my home now, and Adam, Jesse, Emma, and Brennan are my family. It's the only one I would want anyway.
shalimar: (Default)
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shalimar: (Feral HOTNESS)
So this is how it is. There are a lot of things that you really can't explain, and trust me I am not the one to go and explain them all to you. Here's what you should know though. Genomex isn't as good as advertised. All those great fertility drugs they offered your parents back in the day probably ended up doing more harm than good. Sure they got happy little bundles of joy, but take a closer look and you might notice that not all of us are perfect examples of genetics. Okay so now I have you all thinking that I have seven toes or something, but trust me my feet? Perfectly formed. In fact I have pretty good reflexes and let's say my feet are usually the first place I land.

Either way I just thought I should let you all know that you can't trust everyone, and you can't trust what you hear either. Trust what you see with your own eyes, and take it all with an open mind. There are things that make everyone unique, and I am not about to go pointing out your flaws to the world. Know that you are never alone, and there is always a better option. Oh and don't go to Genomex. Not even for those cheaper prescription drugs, or miracle 'cures' you'll pay for it in the end. Not that I am some jaded ex-employee, but really I know what I am talking about.

Well right now you are scratching your head a bit going, alright just who the hell is this gorgeous blonde with the quick wit telling me all this information? Name's Shalimar Fox, and well you may or may not recognize the last name. My father is a bit of an industrialist to say the least. Not that I am spending my holidays at home, in fact I hope that I don't get a Christmas card this year. Still the name thing comes up every so often and rather than wait for the questions, there it is.

I am sure there are more than a few other questions, but unlike my friends Emma and Brennan, I am keeping more than a few things about myself to myself. I have a bit of trouble trusting strangers, and if you knew me you might understand why.

Oh and Proxy Blue, we'll find you and shut you down eventually. Give me time, give me time.

to be posted in [ profile] introtofandom
shalimar: (Profile Stoic)
Somehow I have a feeling that if I tell you this happens more often that I actually expect it to most of you will laugh. It just feels like most of my life occurs in these sixty minute bursts. There is always something to do, someone to save or protect. Something to break into and really the timing is generally a big problem. There just isn't enough time to do half the things people want to do in their lives, and yet we waste most of the free time we actually have doing the most petty things.

Like this journal. Let's just say for hypothetical cases that these are my last sixty minutes. That would mean that at two-thirty-four in the morning I would be dead. Emma would wake up the next morning to bang on my door only to find me dead at the computer, or maybe even in my bed reading. Okay so I don't really read in bed, but I bet Adam would like to think I did. Still that's a big thing to digest. Sixty minutes and I'll be gone.

So let's just say I had a normal life. I would probably go find some guy that turned me down all those years ago for a dance at the Prom and laugh at him for missing his Golden Opportunity. I'd go find my parents tell them that I love them, and then spend whatever time I had left with the people that actually mattered to me. My friends, like Emma and Jesse and Adam. However I don't have a normal life. I don't worry about someone forgetting to mail me a credit card statement on time. Instead I have to worry about everyone else. I have sixty minutes to live and I already know that it isn't enough time. Whatever situation I am in that would leave me with those sixty minutes is probably one that affects everyone near me, a bomb or even toxic gas. I'd have to save everyone else first. Make sure that they are safely away from whatever is causing my sudden demise and hopefully they can just wait it out.

If it's just some random thing though? Fuck that. I'd rather have control over myself, and my own death. Emma and Jesse might never forgive me but if I have sixty minutes to live? I'll take five and say goodbye to them, and just end it on my own terms. No crazy firing squad or liquifying of my internal organs. Just me and the peace of mind that it was my own choice.

I've lost a lot of control over my life in the past, you can't take my death away from me.
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