Sep. 17th, 2006

shalimar: (Straight Laced)
Live the life I do and trust isn't an easy thing to come across. There are people out there that will sell you down the river if they think it gives them half a second more on their own existence. Genomex is out there making deals, selling their souls trying to get to Adam, trying to get to us. Everytime we try to reach out and help someone we have to wonder just who is behind it all.

Every person I run across, every person I try to save from a life that I know I would never want, I have to question. It's become an automatic response for me. There is actually a process that my mind runs through aside from the usual reactions. It's a mental checklist and even sometimes when I get to the bottom of it, the trust still isn't there.

It's funny too, because even the people I do trust, even the ones I think I'm the closest to have all betrayed me in one way or another. Adam's lied... Brennan's shut me out, and Emma... I know sometimes she knows something but she keeps it to herself. It's all part of the game we play I guess. All part of the lives we have learned to lead.

Trust just shouldn't be so hard to gain though, it shouldn't be this unattainable thing in my life. I just know that most times the only person I can ever trust... is myself.
shalimar: (Upset [on ground])
I've handed out my fair share of second chances, and most times it ended up hurting me more than the first time around. I should learn my lesson by now I guess, but each time it comes up, there seems to be an entirely new set of circumstances that go along with it. Who am I to say who deserves it and who doesn't? I end up following through and seeing what comes of it in the end. There's no way that I'm going to say no right off the bat, because the one thing I've actually learned, is that help can come from the oddest places.

I gave my dad a second chance. It's a sore subject for me, because when you wake up and realize that you're not like the other girls, and your parents decide to lock you up for your own safety, there aren't many things they can do to deserve that do-over in life. My dad was still my dad though, no matter what.

I had kept myself seperate from him since the day I escaped that prison. I thought I was doing myself a favor just staying away from him, staying out of his life because I honestly knew that I wasn't a part of his life. He wanted the daughter that was born to him, he wanted the perfect girl that was normal. Well at least his definition of normal. He thought he could fix me, or cure me.

The big problem with thinking that way, is that if you think you can be cured, then you have to admit that there is something wrong with you. I am a firm believer in the thought that there is nothing wrong with me at all, I'm just a bit different.

When I went back to my dad it was just to make sure that he wasn't what everyone thought he was, that he wasn't dealing with people that he shouldn't be. I thought that maybe after everything he had put his past... he had put me behind him. He was still so set on that thought that he could fix me and make me his daughter again. I just knew that no matter how many chances I gave him, he was still going to end up thinking the same way. That I was the problem. That I was the one that was flawed.

Second chances are fine to hand out, but it just doesn't mean they're deserved, or that they'll actually be worth anything in the end.

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Shalimar Fox

October 2006

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