Feb. 22nd, 2006

shalimar: (Profile Stoic)
Somehow I have a feeling that if I tell you this happens more often that I actually expect it to most of you will laugh. It just feels like most of my life occurs in these sixty minute bursts. There is always something to do, someone to save or protect. Something to break into and really the timing is generally a big problem. There just isn't enough time to do half the things people want to do in their lives, and yet we waste most of the free time we actually have doing the most petty things.

Like this journal. Let's just say for hypothetical cases that these are my last sixty minutes. That would mean that at two-thirty-four in the morning I would be dead. Emma would wake up the next morning to bang on my door only to find me dead at the computer, or maybe even in my bed reading. Okay so I don't really read in bed, but I bet Adam would like to think I did. Still that's a big thing to digest. Sixty minutes and I'll be gone.

So let's just say I had a normal life. I would probably go find some guy that turned me down all those years ago for a dance at the Prom and laugh at him for missing his Golden Opportunity. I'd go find my parents tell them that I love them, and then spend whatever time I had left with the people that actually mattered to me. My friends, like Emma and Jesse and Adam. However I don't have a normal life. I don't worry about someone forgetting to mail me a credit card statement on time. Instead I have to worry about everyone else. I have sixty minutes to live and I already know that it isn't enough time. Whatever situation I am in that would leave me with those sixty minutes is probably one that affects everyone near me, a bomb or even toxic gas. I'd have to save everyone else first. Make sure that they are safely away from whatever is causing my sudden demise and hopefully they can just wait it out.

If it's just some random thing though? Fuck that. I'd rather have control over myself, and my own death. Emma and Jesse might never forgive me but if I have sixty minutes to live? I'll take five and say goodbye to them, and just end it on my own terms. No crazy firing squad or liquifying of my internal organs. Just me and the peace of mind that it was my own choice.

I've lost a lot of control over my life in the past, you can't take my death away from me.

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Shalimar Fox

October 2006

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